


Hold Her Fast

by Lynds



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Baby Farah is a smoothie, Background Brotzly, Background Relationships, Both of them, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, OK sorry they're like 17/18 but I'm old they're babies to me, Oblivious Brotzmans, Priest is His Own Warning, Priest is creepy as shit, Rainbow Babies, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Religious School, Useless, baby gays, flirting via bible verse, how the hell is that not a tag yet?, queer solidarity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 05:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17801768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynds/pseuds/Lynds
Summary: Farah Black is the new girl in Amanda's school, and she's captivating. Everyone has a story about her. Amanda just can't quite figure out why her entirebeingis so totally aware of her, why her skin prickles when she's around, why Farah looks more real than anyone else she's ever known.Art by the incredible BloodAmber!





	Hold Her Fast

**Author's Note:**

> AMAZING ART TO COME!!!
> 
> Thank you so much to Hellz for organising the fest, it's been so much fun! To Juniper for beta-ing and catching my kryptonite, to FlightInFlame for flailing and OH MY GOD to Bloodamber for producing [the most beautiful art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232137/chapters/42017318#workskin) I want it to be an ALBUM COVER it's perfection! Please click on the link as soon as we get it sorted and FLAIL WITH ME! It will also be embedded in the fic soon hopefully as soon as we figure out how to do that...
> 
> The feel of this fic is heavily based on my own closeted self in high school making friends with a slightly older girl, being utterly captivated by her, and wondering why. I found a photo of her the other day, and had to give my obliviousness to someone else ;)
> 
> There is some oblique reference to sexual assault and transphobia - if you think this might be a trigger for you, please see the notes at the end of the fic, and if anyone thinks I should tag for them, please let me know! There is also a mention of conversion therapy but nobody gets sent there

1 - Farah Black

“She’s so scary,” said Tina, chewing on a gummy and not looking scared at all. Amanda glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. Tina looked thrilled, actually. “I heard she was in, like, the civil war. In Sudan, you know? She was a child soldier.”

Amanda cocked her head at Farah Black. She was sitting next to Bart Curlish, and that by itself took bravery. She’d seen Bart chase Ken in tenth grade the entire length of the drive, and she was sure she had a knife on her at all times. Even the teachers were afraid of her. It was the only explanation for why she was allowed her hair… _like that_. But as she watched, Bart leaned over to mutter something to Farah, and Farah looked up and just… just _chuckled._ Just like that. 

She was fearless. She must have known she was more dangerous than Bart Curlish, that was the only explanation.

“I think she looks nice,” said Mona, and pulled a handful of coloured string out of her pocket. “What colours do you think she’d like in a friendship bracelet?”

“Black and red. Like blood and death,” said Tina, leaning across Amanda.

Mona hummed thoughtfully and snipped a few pieces of pink off with some scissors. 

“You keep scissors in your pocket?” Amanda said, raising her eyebrow. Mona just smiled sweetly and tucked them away.

Right. Good to know.

She sat back on the bench, soaking up the sun dappling through the spring leaves, tilting her face up to feel the warmth on her face. Her bangs sat just over her eyelids, just at the very edges of her tolerance. She’d forgotten to ask Mom to book her into the salon over Spring Break, and wondered if she dare cut it herself.

She’d always secretly wanted to cut it short. Or, like… asymetrical or something. Just something _different_ , but instead she was stuck with this good girl hair and it just felt so dull. Not like Farah with her hair trimmed short at the sides and going up so high… it was almost punk. She sighed and opened her eyes, blinking away the afterimages of light on her eyelids, and there… Farah Black was looking at her.

Amanda blinked again. She was still looking, a half smile curving up one side of her face, rounding out her cheek and crinkling under one eye - and then she looked away, and Amanda was still staring back, wondering if she’d imagined it all. Had that been a smile? Had she been looking at Amanda? She glanced behind her, but they were sat against a wall. Tina was rooting for a red gummy, Mona was doing something intricate with knots… neither of them had seen Farah looking. 

Maybe she’d imagined it.

She wondered why she hoped not.

“What’ve you got next?” Tina asked, mouth full of gummy.

Amanda took a gummy from her just to speed up the process of gummy eating. “History with Zimmerfield. You should know this. You’re in my class. We sit next to each other.”

She waved it away. “What about you, Mon’s?”

“Geography with Mr Estevez. And then Math.”

“Ahhhh, Math,” sighed Tina, looking into space dreamily. “We may never learn differentials, but our libidos will get a workout, so it’s a win, I think.”

Amanda wrinkled her nose up. “I really don’t get the attraction. Mr Friedkin is dumb as shit, how can you just look past that?”

“Have you _seen_ him? That hair, that face… that ass.” Tina grinned. “Who cares if he doesn’t know what a fraction is?”

“Apparently not the board of governors,” Mona said without looking up.

“This school is such a fucking dive,” Amanda sighed. “How much are our parents paying to send us here again? The only thing they are consistent on is their damn chapel.”

 

“Priest should run chapel, not Assistent,” piped up Mona. “That would be funny, wouldn’t it? Mr Priest being an actual priest?”

Tina and Amanda both shuddered. “I can’t think of anything to do with Mr Priest being funny,” Amanda said.

Tina groaned. “We’ve got him for PE this afternoon, don’t we?”

“He’s such an ass.”

“He works hard at being an ass,” Tina nodded. “Like, he puts in effort. God, I’m glad I’m not a boy, can you imagine having to deal with him waking you up every morning in the boarding house?”

Amanda shuddered. “Todd says he’s a fucking nightmare… like, he terrorises his roommate.”

“Who’s Todd’s roommate?”

“Dirk Gently, you know him?”

Mona looked up with a frown. “He upsets Dirk? How could he do that? Dirk’s so sweet.”

Tina shook her head. “Mr Priest just wants to watch the world burn.”

2 - The Rowdies

By the time they gathered for PE at 3pm the sun was blazing down. It had been beautiful when Amanda had been staring out of the window half way through Math, yellow light glittering off the spring leaves, but running cross-country in it was a whole other matter. Priest, of course, was gleeful as he set the first group off.

The girls had a standing agreement not to even attempt to stick together. If she had her knee supports and good shoes, Amanda could actually run pretty well, but Tina had spent too many years smoking, and also didn’t give a shit. She started walking as soon as they were out of sight, waving Amanda off. Mona had already streaked way ahead of everyone else - if she didn’t get into the nationals this year it would be a damn crime.

As she rounded the last corner of the first lap, she saw the Rowdies arguing with Priest, and frowned, slowing down to try and get an idea what the problem was. Priest was laughing, though, and that was just… sinister.

“Ain’t my problem you can’t keep your shit together, boy. Now take that shirt off, and get running.”

“But Mr Priest, I can’t just… run naked!” cried Vogel, already wrapping his arms around his chest. He was wearing a regular button-down school uniform shirt with his PE shorts and trainers.

“His PE shirts just haven’t come back from the laundry,” Cross said.

“We can lend him one of ours, we just need to go back and get it,” said Martin.

“Already wasted my time enough, don’t you think? Now get runnin’.” Mr Priest bared his teeth at Vogel. “But you ain’t running in that shirt, boy, now you take it off.”

“What does it matter if he’s wearing a school shirt to run?” Amanda demanded, slowing to a stop.

“You keep going Miss Brotzman. Don’t want you gettin’ mixed up with these pieces of shit, now do we. You can get into all sorts of trouble with the wrong crowd.”

“It’s stupid though, isn’t it, sir?” she said. “Just let him run like that. One shirt’s the same as another.”

“I didn’t ask you, princess. Now go on. And you, Vogel. I’m waitin’, boy. You know what happens when you keep me waitin’.”

“Mr Priest, leave him alone,” Martin growled, standing in front of him. 

“Look, you can’t do this,” Amanda said, her temper rising. “He’s obviously not comfortable with taking his shirt of, and you can’t make him, it’s abuse.”

Priest laughed, high pitched, his whole face crinkling up in glee. “Abuse? You don’t know what you’re talking about, girl, now get. Running.”

She held his eye for a moment, then turned to Vogel. “Hey, you need a shirt, right? Here. Have mine.” She whipped her own PE shirt over her head, untangling her ponytail, and handed it over. Vogel and the other boys stared, mouth open. She shrugged. “What? I’ve got a sports bra.” She turned to Priest. “Problem solved, right? See ya.”

Her heart was pounding as she started running. When Priest called after her, amused and dangerous, his voice a sing-song, “Detention, Miss Brotzman,” she wondered what the hell she’d just got herself into.

But damn did it feel kinda good.

***

The Rowdies caught up with her, Tina and Mona after PE. “Here’s your shirt back,” said Vogel, staring wide eyed up at Amanda.

“Uh… thanks,” she said, taking the scrunched handful of sweaty cloth back.

Gripps elbowed Cross in the ribs. “I _told_ you we should wait til it’s been washed. He’s been wearing it for exactly fifty three minutes maintaining a heartbeat of approximately eighty nine if my last averages still hold true, there’ll be like… so many germs on it… _so many.”_

“You know his heartbeat?” Tina asked, scrunching her face up.

“You got a problem with the way Gripps works?” growled Martin.

“Nu-uh. Just curious. Did you, like, work under standardised conditions and all that? Like Dr Mann’s always goin’ on about?” she grinned.

Gripps nodded earnestly. “I think his fitness levels have increased so I need to check them again but at the moment we’ve got an average of eighteen point three minutes of free time available between us and that ain’t gonna give reliable results.”

“It’s ok,” said Amanda to Vogel quickly. “I’ll just send it through girls’ laundry anyway.”

“That was real brave of you,” said Martin, still glaring at her like he was planning to trash her room sometime. She was beginning to think he just had resting bitch face. What a mood. “You don’t want to piss Priest off more’n you have to though.”

She shrugged, and pretended to be braver than she was. “Hey, what’s the worst he can do to me?”

“Take it out on Vogel,” Cross said. Martin glared at him. “What? That’s what he does to punish us.”

Amanda’s eyes snapped to Vogel. “What? That’s awful! What does he do?”

Vogel crossed his arms over his chest, hunching his shoulders. “Nothin’. I’m a boy. I can take it.”

Martin squeezes his shoulders and looked down at him sadly.

“Hey, you saying a girl can’t take it?” Tina demanded.

Martin glared at her and shook his head. “Just leave it, Gummies.”

Tina stuck her tongue out at him. Amanda just nodded. “Yeah, OK. I’ll tone it down.” She frowned at Vogel. “If you need anything, tell us, yeah? I don’t know what we can do about it but...” She shrugged. “Whatever. Anyway. See you guys in detention tonight.”

3 - Detention

By the time detention rolled around, Mona had been picked up early for a dentist’s appointment and Tina was asleep in their dorm room. “You’ll wake up at 2am again,” Amanda said, poking her with her foot. Tina just grunted and rolled over, so Amanda shrugged and pulled her light jacket on. She shoved her hands into her pockets and dragged her feet towards the little music room, where Principal Riggins was holding detention that evening.

“Amanda Brotzman?” he asked.

“Yes, sir.”

He looked down at a sheet of paper with Priest’s spiky handwriting. “Says here you took your shirt off during sports,” he said, frowning up at her. “Is that true, Miss Brotzman?”

“He was going to make Vogel take his shirt off,” she protested. “He didn’t want to. I was fine with it, I don’t mind running in my bra.”

Riggins spluttered and blushed bright red. “This is not befitting behaviour for a young Christian lady,” he said, when he’d got his voice back under control. He cleared his throat. “I’ve only ever known you as a modest, hard working young woman, so I’ll leave it at that, but I’d be very concerned to see you starting to fraternise with such rebellious young men. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t be very happy with you associating with such characters, especially as two of them are on their last warning with Blackwing Academy. Now, take a seat. I want you to read First Peter 5, verses 5-11, and memorise them to recite to me by the end of this detention hour. And take these words into your heart, not just your mind.”

Amanda took the bible he held out to her and turned to take her seat, then froze. Because there was Farah Black, sitting next to the only empty seat in the class. 

Farah looked up, and a hint of a smile flickered across her lips. It was like watching in slow motion. The way the shape of her face changed seemed to etch itself on Amanda’s memory in fine detail, the way her cheeks curved, how her eyes glittered and looked almost sweet. 

Farah glanced around the room, then flickered her gaze to the chair beside her in a clear invitation. It felt like a lifetime before Amanda could send the message to her feet to _move_. She walked over to her and sat down in a daze, wondering why she felt so strange around her, why her heart was beating faster. Was it some inbuilt sense of danger? She didn’t really believe all those stupid rumours, but it was like her body was completely in tune with Farah’s position, every movement setting off alarm bells all over Amanda’s skin. She opened the bible with shaking hands to the marked page.

 _“In the same way, you who are younger submit yourself to your elders,”_ she read, and forgot about her strange reaction to Farah by the almost unstoppable eye-roll. Because of course she was going to have to recite verses about submission and obedience like a good Victorian schoolgirl.

Farah leaned closer and huffed an amused snort. The hairs on Amanda’s arms stood on end, the back of her neck prickled and a blush rose up her cheeks. She turned to see Farah’s arm nearly brushing her own as she peered into Amanda’s bible, shaking her head. Amanda blinked at her, and Farah nudged her own bible.

She leaned over, curious. _“Proverbs 3:31 - Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways,”_ she read where Farah’s short fingernail pressed. Their eyes met, and Amanda smirked. Farah’s face broke into a wide grin, and the amusement bounced between them, magnifying, until they had to turn away, bury their faces in their bibles until the giggles stopped threatening.

Riggins called them all to recite their verses at the end of the detention, in front of everyone. Gripps rattled his own off without expression or pause, Cross and Martin spoke in a monotone, needing several prompts, and Vogel stuttered his own way through, hands clenching and unclenching as he forgot the words. Amanda got through her own quickly, hands clasped in front of her like the good girl she’d always been. 

Farah, though, stood with her chin high and recited in a clear, ringing voice, _“Blessed are those who find wisdom, who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.”_

“Miss Black, I think you have the wrong--”

 _“She is more precious than rubies, nothing you desire can compare with her,”_ she continued, her voice running over Riggins’. Amanda stared at her in wonder, amazed at the sound of her voice, which seemed to ring more clear, more true than any voice she’d ever heard. 

As she spoke, Farah caught and held her eye. _“She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her,”_ she said, her voice deepening and seeming to speak directly into Amanda’s heart. _“Those who hold her fast will be blessed.”_

Maybe it wasn’t absolute silence that followed. Maybe the world didn’t stop moving, and the others in the room didn’t disappear behind a fog, but to Amanda nothing existed but Farah Black and her own fast-beating heart.

Riggins’ sigh broke the moment. “Well, I suppose wisdom is as good a thing to learn as any. But next time, Miss Black, please make sure you read the correct passage, and ask if you forget which lines you need to learn. Very well, you’re dismissed, all of you.”

The boys scrambled to the door and disappeared into the dusk. Amanda and Farah found themselves walking towards the girls’ dorms. The school had the quiet, limbo feel, the hour between day students leaving and dinner starting that nobody knew what to do with. 

“I’m Farah Black,” said Farah, and Amanda startled as she held out her hand.

“Amanda Brotzman,” she said, taking it. 

“I know,” said Farah, with a little smile. “Your brother’s in my class.”

Amanda blushed and looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, I have to admit… I knew who you were as well, before you told me.”

Farah’s face broke into a wide smile, showing off perfect white teeth. “It seems like the sort of school where everyone knows everyone’s business.”

“It’s because it’s so small,” she grinned. “Only a hundred students, we have to make drama out of whatever we can find.”

“And a new transfer in the middle of the year must be ripe for speculation.”

Amanda laughed. “Oh, yeah.”

“So… what’s my story according to the Blackwing grapevine?” Farah asked, nudging her with her elbow. Amanda’s overactive goosebumps popped up again. “Let me guess: I’m a CIA operative? I’m a spy? I’m really twenty-five and just pretending to be a high school student to run a drug bust?”

Amanda laughed, tilting her head back. “You’re a Sudanese child soldier last I heard. How _is_ the war with South Sudan going, by the way?”

“Really?” She chuckled. “That’s a first. You guys are obviously more informed about current events than my last school.”

“Still lowkey racist,” she shrugged.

“Well done for noticing,” Farah said, leaning close and nudging her again, and Amanda found it hard to breathe. “My family’s actually from Ethiopia originally, but Dad became a US citizen decades ago. He’s in the Air Force. That’s why we move around so much.”

“Sounds like something a spy for a CIA drug bust would say,” Amanda teased, narrowing her eyes.

Farah’s smile twinkled. “Well, if you’re brave enough to risk it, do you want to come up to my room and listen to music?”

Amanda’s heart stuttered and she blinked up at Farah, her fringe getting in her eyes. “Yeah… yeah I’d like that but… why? I mean, why me?”

Farah shrugged and shoved her hands deep in her jacket pockets. “Well, you know… I just… I heard about what you did for that boy in your class. I just…” she shrugged again. “I thought it was real brave so… guess I wanted to get to know you a bit better.”

Amanda smiled, her cheeks heating up. “It was dumb.”

Farah shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. You saw someone being bullied and you did something about it. That’s how Martin tells it anyway. We arrived early and got talking before detention. And… well, I’ve noticed you before. You’re looking for something.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s like you’re looking at the world and seeing something different to everyone else. Like… you think the world is lying and you’re trying to work out the truth.”

Amanda raised her eyebrows. “You think that of me? From just one conversation?”

“Like I said, I’ve seen you around, even if I haven’t spoken to you.”

“And you see all that in me?” Amanda asked, her voice soft. 

“You’re eye-catching,” she replied, her voice equally quiet.

The air seemed to be crystallising again, a sharp, brittle quality to the world like one step in either direction was going to change history. Amanda jumped as one of the juniors pushed past them, and she realised they’d been standing in the dorm hallway for goodness knows how long.

“Umm, yeah,” she said. “Yeah, I can come up for a bit.”

“Cool,” said Farah with a bright, uncomplicated smile. “I’ve got a great new Halestorm album.”

“I don’t know them,” she admitted.

Farah’s eyes lit up. “Oh, well you are in for a treat. Lizzy Hale’s voice is pure sex, rich and rough and _ugh,_ I’m in love.”

Amanda laughed. “A guy called Lizzy?”

Farah shook her head and glanced back at her. “No, a girl,” she said. She stopped and turned to face her, her expression serious. “Is that a problem?”

Amanda looked up, a tableau on the stairs. “No,” she said, and followed her up.

4 - Weekend Home

Amanda tugged her bag over her shoulder a bit and walked down to boys’ dorms to meet Todd. He was standing with Dirk Gently, both leaning up against the wall, deep in conversation and leaning towards each other.

“Hey,” she said, and both of them jumped. Todd stood up immediately.

“Hey, Manda, ready already?”

She nodded. “I got packed at lunchtime so we could set off quickly. Hi, Dirk.”

“Hello, Amanda,” he said with his sunny smile. “Will you look after Todd this weekend? He’s been really tired from working late on his project and—“

“Hey, shut up, man,” said Todd, punching Dirk on the bicep and laughing. It sounded forced, though. “Stop telling my little sister I’m weak.”

Dirk mouthed _oww_ and rubbed his arm, looking at Todd with sad puppy eyes. “I wasn’t,” he said. “I was just concerned about you, Todd, you mean a lot—“

“Ok buddy, I’ll see you on Sunday, yeah? Have a good weekend,” Todd said quickly, slapping Dirk on the back.

Amanda rolled her eyes. Boys always seemed to _hit_ each other. “Where’s your bag, doofus?” she asked.

Todd did a double take at his own hands and looked around the ground. 

“Just give me the keys, I’ll go wait in the car.”

“Yeah, ok,” he said, still frowning and scratching his head. He’d forget that one day too, if it wasn’t attached.

Todd had already brought his car round to the front of dorms and she slumped into the passenger seat, leaning back to catch the sunlight on her face. She looked up when she heard the dorm door open and close, and quiet voices. Todd and Dirk walked out, heads once again bowed close in conversation.

As she watched, Dirk touched Todd’s arm with the back of his fingers, running them down his forearm to his hand. Todd swayed towards him like a plant to the sun, then glanced guiltily up at Amanda and pulled back, patting Dirk on the shoulder before making his way over to the car.

She leaned back again and closed her eyes. It was a shame boys always felt like they couldn’t show affection to each other. She and Mona often did each other’s hair, and Tina always had her arm around Amanda or Mona. But boys were taught to thump each other, and that was dumb.

Amanda stared out of the window as they made their way out of the school grounds, past meadows and pine trees and back towards Seattle for a weekend at home. Todd tapped on the steering wheel, humming under his breath to something on the radio.

“Have you ever heard of Halestorm?” she asked him, still staring out of the window.

“Yeah, I think so. They’re good. Where did you hear about them? Didn’t think they were your kind of thing.”

“Farah Black has their new album.”

He grinned. “You making friends with seniors now, sis?”

Amanda turned and smirked at him, then leaned against the glass again, staring out at the pine trees that whipped past the road. “She’s… nice.”

“Yeah, she seems pretty cool. How did you end up hanging out with her?”

“We had detention together.”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “After that thing with the Rowdies?”

She nodded.

Todd shook his head. “I dunno man, those guys are always getting in trouble.”

“It’s not their fault the teachers hate them,” she said, immediately leaping into defence mode.

“Oh, come on, it’s not like they try,” he laughed, and tried to look at her with his big brother face on.

“You wish you were like them,” she smirked.

He snorted.

“Yeah you do. You wish you were all rebellious and cool,” she said, poking him in the shoulder.

“I do not. The less attention I get from the teachers, the better.” He side-eyed her. “I see you’ve been hanging around with Martin a lot recently, though. Anything going on there?” He waggled his eyebrows, making the furrows on his forehead wave.

She laughed. “Eww, with Martin? No way.”

“Cross then? Or Vogel? Gripps?”

“Don’t be a dumbass,” she laughed. “What about you? Any _girls_ on the scene?” She drew out the word girls, giving her best annoying little sister impression.

He grinned and shook his head. “Nah, not for me. I just want to graduate and get out. Get free, you know?”

She nodded and turned back to the window. Her head vibrated slightly against the glass, making her skin numb. They drove in silence for a moment.

“Hey, Todd,” she asked softly. “Do you think… would you ever be attracted to, you know… someone of the same sex?”

“What?” The car swerved slightly, and Todd’s voice pitched high. 

“Jeez, Todd, it was just a question!”

“No, no you can’t just ask something like that. What are you talking about, like would I ever be _gay?_ No! Of course not, that’s just… God, Manda!”

“Seriously?” she snapped, glaring at him, trying to turn her hurt into anger. “What’s even wrong with it? Like, if you like someone who’s the same sex, why is that even a problem?”

“I’m not gay!”

“I’m not _saying_ —“

“It’s wrong, ok? It just is. I’m not even having this conversation with you, so just… leave it alone, ok?”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

She crossed her arms, fury rising up her throat and pricking at the back of her eyes. How could he? To just… dismiss her out of hand like that, before she’d even explained… to just say she was wrong and icky and a bad person for being attracted to Farah, to—

Because that’s what it was, she thought, a soft voice inside her cutting through the anger and betrayal and hurt. She was attracted to Farah Black. She lay awake at night thinking about her smile and the way she did her makeup and she wouldn’t have done that if she wasn’t…

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She was afraid to even say it in her own mind, to admit that she’d never been interested in boys, admit that she’d never wanted to be Princess Amidala when she was younger, she’d wanted to… to kiss her.

She was gay.

She was gay, and now she knew that her big brother, the person who’d always understood her like no-one else, who’d listened to everything she’d ever gone through and said he’d always love her no matter what, no matter whether she failed chemistry or was unpopular or broke his favourite album… now she knew that was his limit. He was disgusted by the idea, and he wouldn’t accept her if she admitted it to him. 

She pushed the door of the car open as soon as he pulled in to their parents’ drive, before he’d even stopped, and stormed away, wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands.

5 - Everything’s shit

The world was colder without Todd on her side. Sure, at school they didn’t get much of a chance to talk, but they’d had that awful weekend, that Friday night when Amanda had curled up in her room and cried so hard she thought she might stop breathing. That awkward couple of days when they walked around with fake smiles on their faces just to lie to parents who weren’t asking anyway. That drive back on Sunday that had seemed so much longer than any other drive to school because neither of them talked, neither of them tried to cross the chasm that had opened up between them.

Tina looked up when she shoved their door open and slumped onto her bed face first. “Woah, man, you look like shit. The ‘rents giving you trouble?”

“Who even uses that word?” she mumbled into her pillow. 

“What word?” Tina asked, biting into a breadstick. “Trouble? You? Giving?”

Amanda didn’t reply. Tina poked her leg with her toe. “You wanna talk? I can be serious,” she said, and when Amanda looked up, sure enough, she was blinking down at her with an uncharacteristically solemn gaze.

Amanda opened her mouth. Tina would understand. Tina was her friend.

But Todd was her brother. She’d been sure he would understand, or even if he couldn’t understand, she’d been so certain he wouldn’t reject her that the idea of angsting over it hadn’t even crossed her mind. She closed her mouth and shook her head. “Nah. I’m just gonna go for a walk.”

***

Amanda leaned on her hand and glared at her brother across the lunch hall. He looked like shit, and she was _glad_ because she felt equally awful.

Although she wasn’t expecting Dirk Gently to look quite so terrible. She frowned and considered him. He was sitting at a different table again, he had been all week, and he looked like he’d been crying, the skin around his eyes rubbed raw and red. He picked at his food and stared over at Todd. Todd didn’t look back. He stared at his own meal and didn’t eat anything.

“Hey, Brotzman,” said Farah, and Amanda forgot all about her stupid brother and how he managed to ruin every relationship with everyone because he was a piece of shit and a traitor. She smiled up at Farah, who nodded at the space next to her. “Can I sit here?”

“Sure,” she said, probably way too quickly to be cool, and shifted over. 

“What’re you doing sitting all alone?” asked Farah. 

Amanda shrugged. “Tina and Mona went to talk to the Rowdies about something, I dunno. Think they’re doing some sort of project.” She felt a pang of guilt. She should have asked. It’s not like they were leaving her out, they asked if she wanted to join them every time, but she was too busy looking out for Farah, or glaring at Todd. She glanced over at the corner table where Mona was holding something in her lap and talking earnestly to Vogel and Martin, while Cross, Gripps and Tina looked around like meerkats. Not suspicious at all, she thought, her eyes narrowing.

“So I have a project to do for art,” said Farah, and Amanda’s attention snapped back to her, forgetting all about the Rowdies and her best friends and some unknown device they were working on. “I’m doing my interpretative photography, and I’ve got to work on the prompt _Emerging_ , and I was wondering if you could show me a few out-of-the-way places around the school to take photos? It’s kinda boring, but I was just going to take some closeups of spring shoots, or something.”

Farah had her head slightly tilted to the side, almost nervous, and Amanda lost no time in nodding. “Sure, I can do that. There’s this really nice little grove back behind the languages block where Mona found a fairy ring, we can see if that’s out.”

“A fairy ring?”

“Yeah,” Amanda nodded, pushing her food aside and gesturing. “You know when you get mushrooms or daisies or something growing in a perfect circle? They say if you step in those you’ll get taken to fairyland.”

Farah laughed. “That’s perfect! Hey…” she trailed off and stared into the distance. “Hey, could I maybe… take a picture of you stepping out of a fairy ring? Like you’re a fairy emerging into the human world?”

Amanda laughed. “I don’t think I look much like a fairy.”

“Of course you do,” she said, her dark brown eyes suddenly holding her gaze with such intensity Amanda couldn’t look away if she tried. “You’re ethereal.”

Amanda blushed hard and let her hair fall down across her cheeks. She had to stop reacting that way, if Farah found out…

“See?” Farah said, her voice soft. She lifted a lock of hair away from her face. “You look like some sort of mythical being. Something that beautiful can’t possibly be real.”

Amanda looked up at her, terrified to hope. Farah stared back, defiant and brave, and the world faded away again. “So… will you help me? This evening, maybe?” Farah asked.

Amanda nodded.

6 - Fairy Ring

After their last class Amanda packed her book bag up quickly, desperate to get to the dorms to change. “Aren’t you coming with me and Mona to set up the--” Tina stopped herself and looked around suspiciously. “You know… the _thing_ with the boys?”

Amanda frowned round at her, but she didn’t have time to think up an excuse to get out of whatever weird spin the bottle game Tina had planned. “Sorry, can’t right now, see you later!” she yelled, running out of the Math classroom and down the gravel path.

The school was full of doors slamming, chair screeching and footsteps building into a roaring chorus, but Amanda was ahead of the wave. She only had to squeeze past a couple of people lounging in the corridors before she was free in her own dorm room. She let out a long breath and pulled her wardrobe door open.

She stood for a moment, trying to hold back the sigh. It didn’t work. She just didn’t have any clothes here worth wearing, nothing that would impress Farah. Who was she kidding, she sighed, pulling out a long sleeved t-shirt and some black skinny jeans. She was never going to be as cool as Farah anyway, there wasn’t much point in trying.

There was a knock on her door just as she finished buttoning up her jeans, lying flat on her back on the bed to clip them together. She hoped to God it was someone looking for Tina.

It was Farah. She blinked at her. “Hey…”

“Hi,” said Farah, her lips curling up into a wide smile. “Uh… sorry, I know we said you’d come up to mine but I was ready early, and your room’s on the way and we would only have to double back and…” She trailed off, and touched her nose in an almost anxious gesture. “So… yeah.”

“Oh! Oh, that’s cool, no problem. I’m just done. Just ready.” She swung her arms. “So shall we go?”

“What? Oh! Yeah!” Farah shook her head and laughed, stepping back so Amanda could get out. “Umm, you look… nice.”

Amanda smiled up at her, feeling her cheeks heat up. “Thanks… so do you.”

“I’m still wearing my uniform,” Farah grinned.

“Um… yeah.” Amanda ducked her head so her hair swung over her face, hiding the wince. She couldn’t really just come out and say Farah looked stunning in whatever she was wearing.

The awkwardness was short lived. By the time they’d run down the stairs and out into the spring sunlight, Amanda was telling her about the physics project she was plotting out with Mona. “We’re trying to make a comic book to explain how the northern lights work,” she said. “Mona’s a brilliant artist, and I think I can break it down with, like, a few metaphors and things. It’s really cool, and if we can pull it off we’ll definitely get an A.”

“You can test it out on me,” said Farah, smiling down at her. “I don’t get physics at all, it’d be just like teaching a three year old.”

Amanda led her down through the school, back towards the classrooms and behind them, where a gentle slope behind the languages block was tilled ready for the gardening club to plant. “I’ve never been down here,” Farah said, looking around. “The school grounds go further back than I thought.”

Amanda nodded. “It’s a cryptid school. It’s like they just dropped it in the middle of nowhere and it sort of spread out because there’s so much space out here. Some huge church pays for it, I think. That’s why Riggins is so…”

“Evangelical?” Farah suggested.

“I was going to say devout but actually that works better. Anyway, the fairy rings are back here.” She led her to the little belt of trees by the fence, and clapped gleefully when she saw the little crocuses peeping through the grass. “Hah! They’re up already, I hoped they would be.”

“That’s perfect,” Farah smiled, and Amanda’s chest ached where the sweetness of her expression hit. Are you ready to be a fairy?”

Amanda blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear, turning back to the fairy ring with a slightly hysterical laugh. “What do you want me to do?”

Instead of answering, Farah bent down, one knee in the soft earth and snapped a photo of one of the crocuses, its purple flowers wide in the warmth, bright orange stamens like a bowl of fire inside. Amanda watched her as one eye screwed up in concentration. There was no sound but the shutter click, everything else in the world unimportant save for Farah. She leaned back, sitting down on the damp grass to get a wider view of the crocus ring, then glanced to the side, caught sight of something else, and crouched down again to take photos of something Amanda couldn’t see.

Farah looked up with an almost guilty expression, like this passion was something that should have been hidden behind her stoic shell. “Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I, uh… I want to be a nature photographer.” She scrunched her hand in her hair. “All this interpretative stuff is interesting enough, but I just want to take high-def pictures of fungi. I ran that past Miss Beast but she kinda did that… you know, that thing with her face? The crinkly thing?”

“Ha! Yeah, where she looks like she’s got these ridges on her forehead? She’s a crazy dude. I saw her around town over the summer, her hair was dyed orange!”

“I guess she has to follow the dress code here too,” Farah laughed. “But you see what I mean, right? I wouldn’t get a good grade if I just took photos of mushrooms ‘emerging’.”

“But someone coming out of a fairy ring would be right down her street.”

“Exactly!”

Amanda immediately bent down to pull her shoes and socks off. “Can’t be a fairy without being barefoot,” she grinned up at Farah. The grass was cold against her feet, and she relished the feeling of doing something out of the ordinary, the tiny rebellion of being barefoot outside.

Farah sat cross legged on the grass and smiled up at her, a soft and wondering thing. She raised the camera to her face and snapped a photo even before Amanda had stepped into the fairy ring. She balanced on one foot and pointed her other toe out of the ring, just hovering it above the ground.

“That’s perfect, Amanda,” Farah said softly. “Can you move your left hand up? It’s casting a shadow.”

Farah moved around her, directing her and taking what felt like hundreds of photos. Amanda lost herself in the task, not even thinking about the fact that the person taking the photos was another girl that she had a crush on. 

Until she realised how close Farah was. Until Farah reached out and tentatively, watching her face for reaction, moved Amanda’s hand above her head. She held her eye contact until the camera came between them, the click loud in the lengthening dusk.

Farah lowered her camera again, and reached out, her fingers and thumb cupping Amanda’s chin, tilting her face gently to the side before snapping another.

“Beautiful,” Farah breathed, looking down at her camera. She blinked and looked up at Amanda, eyes suddenly wide and guarded. Amanda didn’t know what to say, where to look. What to even wish for.

Farah stepped back. “Umm, I think I’ve got them all. The one. You know, the… the photo I’ll use. So you can…” She rubbed her eyebrow and trailed off.

“Oh. Yeah, OK.” Amanda stepped out of the ring and tugged her shoes back on, casting  
a lingering look back at it. It seemed more magical now, somehow. 

She looked back at Farah, who was packing her camera away with jerky, flustered motions. Amanda took a deep breath, gathering bravery and risk and maybe even a little magic. “Hey, do you want to… I dunno, go see a bit more of the school? I mean, I guess you’ve seen most of it—“

“I’d love to,” she said, her hands slowing and her face breaking into a wide smile as she looked up.

They followed the fence around the school grounds. Every now and then Amanda would point something out, some place she’d found that made her feel free, a view out across the meadows where the wind blew patterns into the grass, a hidden pond, a tree with low branches. Farah told her about the places she’d been, her old schools, the fleeting connections she’d made with friends, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep them for long. The loneliness of a wandering life.

By the time they sat on the little deck near the science block, the light had turned golden, the sun low in the darkening sky. Amanda stared out at the earliest stars. Farah lay flat on her back and gazed up, fiddling absently with her camera settings.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m a half step out of place with the rest of the world,” Amanda said. “Like no matter how close I am to my friends I can’t reach out and touch them because… because they’re on another plane of existence.”

Farah looked up at her and clicked another photo without taking her eyes off the side of her face.

“Sometimes,” Amanda continued, her heart picking up speed, “I think you might be on the same plane of existence as me. You might be… like, the only person I can connect with. The only person I can touch.”

Farah sat up, one knee bent, and reached out a hand to her, palm up. Amanda took a deep breath and took it, the touch of their skin sending hot electric sparks down her spine. Farah stroked the thin skin at her wrist, the back of her hand, the inside of her arm, and looked up, her face so close to Amanda’s she could feel the heat of her gaze.

Amanda took one shuddering, fluttering breath and leaned closer, her eyes half closed. Farah took that last inch and when her lips pressed against Amanda’s own she felt like crying, like screaming, like painting the sky with her joy. She sank her fingers into Farah’s hair, holding her closer as Farah’s fingers tightened around her wrist, a circle of fear and elation and finally, finally finding where you belonged.

[link to BloodAmber’s art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232137/chapters/42017318#workskin)

7 - Hiding

Every moment with Farah was a paradox. On the one hand, it felt so _right_ , like a jigsaw piece in place at last. Farah made her feel like she existed, like the veil between herself and the world was pulled back, her heart and her mind settled into a rhythm that fitted. Her palm pressed against hers was an anchor.

But at the same time, it was terror, it was hiding, it was sitting close with their heads bent over books as Amanda pretended to tutor Farah in science, or Farah pretended to tutor her in history, just so that their hands could tangle under the desk, their legs press close where no-one would see. It was Farah’s uncanny sense of hearing allowing them to slide apart moments before Principal Riggins appeared, their hearts pounding and hands cold and empty.

They stole moments at mealtimes and after school, during the evenings after prep, and those times felt like a snow globe, precious and protected, small and beautiful. Amanda’s entire day revolved around the next time she’d see Farah, how many minutes until she got to pass her in the corridor, their fingertips brushing or their gaze catching, but never both at the same time.

One night it was too much, and even after the buzzer went for the eleventh graders to go to sleep, Amanda stayed in Farah’s arms, eyes closed against the world as they kissed and whispered what they’d do together out in the real world, weaving a fantasy of peace and safety and always love. By the time Bart kicked on Farah’s dividing wall and grunted something about Matron coming around, almost all the other lights were off.

“I’ve got to go,” Amanda groaned, pressing her forehead to Farah’s.

Farah nodded, but her fingers tightened on Amanda’s hips and she pressed closer, wrapping her arms around Amanda’s waist. “Yeah.”

She stood, encircled, for a moment longer, then extracted herself with a deep sigh. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the art block, yeah?”

Farah nodded and pulled back, then stole one last, hard kiss. “Sleep well.”

The walk back through the dorm corridors went smoothly. She’d been doing this so often now she’d learned what to listen out for, where to hide, when not to hide and claim she’d just gone to the bathroom. Her heart didn’t even pound so hard any more as she pulled open her creaky door.

Tina rolled over and blinked sleepily up at her. “Matron was in earlier,” she said.

“Shit.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I put my pillows under your blankets, c’n I have ‘em back now?”

Amanda pulled her blankets back, exposing three pillows. Tina had even bent them to make them look like a person curled up on their side. She smiled fondly over at Tina. “Thank you.”

“S’alright.” She hesitated, then pushed herself up on her elbows. “You can bring her over, you know. To our table.”

Amanda felt like ice crystals had formed in her fingertips. “Who do you mean?”

“Farah Black. It’s fine, you know.”

“What’s fine? What are you talking about? Whatever you think you know—“

“Amanda, I’m bi.”

Amanda’s train of thought screeched to a halt. “You’re…”

“I’m bisexual. I thought I was gay for a while, actually. My point is, it’s fine.”

Amanda sat down heavily on her bed. “You’re… bi?”

She nodded. 

“Why are you here?”

Tina sat up properly. “It’s a good school, it’s got a good reputation. My foster dad doesn’t really approve of the…” she waved her hands dismissively. “The religious aspect of it, but he sat me down before I started and said I can believe whatever I want, be whoever I want, and he’ll support me. Even if the school doesn’t. So I just… I dunno, I ignore it. It’s just temporary, you know?”

Amanda stared at her. “And you didn’t tell me?”

Tina sighed. “I was kinda hoping you’d tell me yourself. Like, I thought you’d trust me enough to tell me.” She shook her head. “No, that’s not fair, I didn’t mean it like that. You have your own reasons for keeping it a secret, I just… I thought you might not know that there are people on your side. Hence…” she spread her hands, indicating the conversation. 

Amanda just stared at her a little longer, until Tina started to wriggle under her gaze. Then threw herself onto Tina’s bed and hugged her tight.

“Ugh, Amanda… can’t breathe,” Tina said, squirming and patting her on the shoulder. 

“You’re the best friend anyone could ever have,” Amanda said, giving her one last squeeze for good measure before pulling back. “And… I’m sorry I’ve been so out of it the last couple of weeks.” She played with her hair, slumping her shoulders as the guilt hit. “I was kind of a shitty friend, just leaving you guys like that.”

Tina smiled and thumped her on the back. “Nah, I get it. If I was cosying up to a hottie like Farah I’d be totally obsessed with her too.”

“I am not obsessed!”

“Yeah, kinda are.”

***

Amanda made a concerted effort to pull herself out of her haze over the next few days. She pulled Farah along to join Mona and Tina for lunch instead of disappearing into the school grounds with her, she caught up on her homework, and helped Farah with her photography project a bit more, rather than just distracting her.

The strange thing was noticing how much had changed in such a short time. The Rowdy boys hung out with them now, not usually saying very much, but sitting near them. Other times Mona or Tina would run across the break area to quickly whisper something in Gripps’ ear, or squeeze Vogel’s hand, or pass something along to Martin. 

And then there was her brother and Dirk. Todd was now hanging out with a group of boys Amanda didn’t even know, laughing loudly and smelling of cigarette smoke and punching people on the arm, but he looked miserable. Whenever he thought nobody was looking his head would hang between his shoulders, the smile would slide off his face, and the dark shadows under his eyes would deepen almost instantly. 

She saw him look at Dirk once. Dirk stood up when their eyes met, and he took a stumbling step towards him, but Todd turned away quickly. Amanda was sure he spent the next few minutes wiping his eyes, while Dirk hunched himself up and walked out. 

She wanted to punch Todd, slap him for so many reasons. For not accepting her. For making Dirk miserable when he was the kindest, gentlest, coolest person Todd had ever been friends with. 

And for hurting himself. She didn’t know what his problem was, but if anyone else had made her brother’s heart break like it was very obviously breaking, she’d have been kicking the crap out of them.

And always, always there were the teachers. Zimmerfield being sarcastic. Riggins being a pious ass. Friedkin being such an idiot Amanda couldn’t even comprehend his level of stupidity. And Priest, who should just come with his own set of warnings.

She’d always thought he was an asshole, but she was only just beginning to realise how deep the scum went.

“Shit, my lace’s broken,” she grumbled at her shoes one day after PE. “Go on ahead, you guys, I’ll meet you at the hall after.”

Tina and Mona waved and went ahead while Amanda fiddled with her shoe, threading the laces differently so they were the same length on both sides. By the time she’d sorted herself out, the changing rooms were quiet and echoey.

But there were two figures still by the lockers as she made her way out. Vogel was still in his PE kit, pressed against the wall, and Priest, his forearm pressed against the wall above Vogel’s head, hulking over him. Almost as if he was a about to kiss him. 

“I think you need to prove you can use the boys’. I think I’m gonna need hard evidence that you—“

“What’s going on?” Amanda asked, her heart pounding so hard she could hear it.

“Nothing to concern you, Miss Brotzman,” Priest said, straightening up. “You just run along, now.”

“Vogel?” She turned to look at him. He had his head tilted down, like he was ashamed, but pressed right back and away from Priest. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’ll wait for him, actually, Sir.”

“And why would a well-behaved little thing like you want to do that?”

She lifted her chin and tried not to let her hands shake. “Because that looks a lot like sexual harassment. Sir.”

Priest looked down at Vogel, then up at her again. He smiled, a slow, terrifying slash opening in his face. Amanda clenched her fists at her side and stood her ground.

“And who do you think’s gonna believe you?” Priest asked softly, advancing on her. She saw Vogel shift, lightning fast, towards the door, but he didn’t leave, just stood, shuffling from foot to foot and looking back at her.

She shrugged and wished it wasn’t so sharp and nervous. “Like you said, Mr Priest. I’m a good girl. Do you really want to take that risk?”

Priest came to a halt a foot away from her, towering over her and still smiling that terrifying, shark-like grin. She stared back, hoping he couldn’t see the pulse pounding in her throat.

After what felt like a million years, he jerked his head. “Get outta here.”

Vogel had the door open in a flash. Amanda walked past Priest, feeling his eyes bore into the side of her head, prickle on the back of her neck. She made sure Vogel left the room first, didn’t turn back to look at Priest again, and let the door slam shut behind them.

Vogel let out a long, harsh breath. “Fuck.”

“What the hell is his _problem?_ ” she demanded.

Vogel shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. His school uniform was probably still back in the changing rooms, if PE hadn’t been the last lesson of the day, he’d have been getting a detention from someone else for that. Amanda bit her lip, wanting to rail at the unfairness of it all, but whatever she could say, Vogel had almost certainly thought it first.

“He shouldn’t treat you like that,” she said anyway, her voice low and furious. “He shouldn’t treat anyone like that, and I want to… I want to _punch_ him for it. How do you stand it?”

He shrugged, his face a picture of defeat. Amanda clenched her fists, and they walked together to the hall.

8 - Caught

Spring drew on, the mornings growing warmer, the days longer. Todd still ignored Dirk and looked old and haggard. Mona and Tina still whispered in corners with the Rowdies, still invited everyone to eat with them at lunch. And Amanda and Farah lay out in the dappled sunlight beneath the trees, watching the shadows play across each other’s faces.

“I got an A on my photography project,” Farah said, turning her head towards Amanda with a wide grin. “The Beast said it was _ethereal.”_

Amanda laughed and kissed her. “Of course she did. She’s basically a fairy creature of some sort herself.”

Farah’s expression softened, her smile floating away. She pushed Amanda onto her back and leaned over, kissing her, and Amanda gasped against her tongue, her legs restless and shifting against the grass with the passion being poured into her. Farah’s hands slid over her arms, down to her wrists, and she pinned them above Amanda’s head, deepening the kiss so that Amanda moaned and arched into her.

The loud, slow clap cut through the daylight, jerking them apart. Amanda sat up, Farah leaped to her feet, a snarl on her face, and there… there was Priest.

“Yeah, a real good girl. Such a good girl you are, Miss Brotzman.” He threw his head back in a high cackle and held out his phone. “This video… I could earn a lotta money from this video I’ve got here. Or… maybe I could just show it to Riggins.”

“You fucking—“

“Ooh, tut-tut, Miss Black. Such language, that ain’t gonna get you any further ahead, is it?”

“What do you want?” Amanda asked, clearing her throat and standing on suddenly shaky legs.

He raised his eyebrows and considered her thoughtfully. “I want you gone,” he said simply, and shrugged.

***

It was a nightmare. It was a haze of disconnected scenes, a heart pounding, blood freezing, fire in her head and a storm in her belly, and she couldn’t keep it all straight.

Riggins shook his head. Priest barely managed to conceal his grin. Farah argued, raged against the dying of the light. Amanda stared at the air in front of her and wondered what she thought was ever going to come of this.

They had to leave, Riggins said. They refused to repent, so they had to go, in case they infected the others with their deviancy. Riggins was on the phone to their parents at that very moment, advising conversion therapy for sure.

“Will your parents go for it?” Farah said fiercely as they walked back to dorms to pack their things away. She searched Amanda’s dazed face, stopped on the path and held her hands tight. “That conversion therapy bullshit Riggins was talking about, will they send you?”

Amanda blinked down at their hands, all tightly tangled together. “I don’t know,” she said. Her voice sounded like it was coming from a long way away. “I don’t think so?” She felt sick, a thick, curdling gel roiling around under her ribs. What if they did?

“My parents won’t,” said Farah. “They wouldn’t be happy, but they’ve said places like that are barbaric, I’ve heard them. Come with me?”

Amanda stared up at her. “What?”

“Come with me. I’m not… it’s not an empty gesture, Amanda, I won’t let you go to one of those…” she huffed, her shoulders sagging, and smiled up at her. “I won’t let you go.”

A slow smile spread across Amanda’s face. Farah smiled back and pulled her close for a hug, kissing her on the temple. “Go on, pack your bags. But know I’m not letting you get in a car with your parents if I even _think_ they’re going to send you to conversion therapy, OK?”

Amanda nodded, and the tiny ember of her soul fanned back to life. Boldly, she closed the inches between them and kissed Farah, right there in the path. Farah kissed back, hands strong on her shoulders like she was showing her how steady she was, how she could protect her from the world.

***

Tina was bouncing up and down on her bed when Amanda pushed the door open. “Manda! Manda, oh my God, you’re never gonna guess what’s going down today! We got the footage! It’s fucking-- Hobbs is coming and we’re gonna get that-- hey, are you OK?”

Amanda bit her lip and pulled her suitcase out from under her bed. “I’ve been expelled,” she said into its depths.

“You’ve _what?”_

She took a deep, shuddering breath. Without Farah there to remind her that everything was going to be OK, they were going to face this together, she could feel her composure slipping. “Priest caught me and Farah… together. He told Riggins there and then.” She sniffed and wiped tears off her cheeks. “Our parents are on their way, we’re gonna… they’re talking about… about conversion therapy places and…” 

She trailed off and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, quiet sobs shuddering through her whole body. Tina scrambled off the bed and wrapped her up in a tight hug. “OK… shit… OK, this is… this is bad.”

Amanda pulled back before she wanted to, wiping her eyes and sighing at the makeup residue on her hands. “I gotta pack.”

“This is bullshit, man. This is total balls. I’m gonna… I’m gonna… I gotta tell the others.”

“There’s no point, dude,” she sighed, cramming her whole wardrobe in at once. “Look, it’s fine. Farah said I can go to hers if my parents get weird about me being… you know.”

“Lesbian?”

Amanda blushed but nodded, gritting her teeth. “Yeah. I’m a lesbian. They can suck it if they react like Todd did.”

Tina frowned. “Todd reacted badly? Is that why…”

She snorted. “Yeah. He was a real ass about it, kept saying he wasn’t gay. Like I care what he is when I’m trying to come out to him.”

Tina stood for a moment, biting the cuticle of her thumbnail. “Huh.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m out.” She laughed humourlessly. “I’m out, and therefore, I’m out of the school.”

“I’m gonna… do a thing,” Tina said absently, and wandered off.

“Tina! Hey!” Amanda yelled, but she was already out of the door. She shook her head and threw her shoes in on top of her shirts, not giving a damn about the dirt. It’s not like she’d be needing her school uniform any more.

She sat down on Tina’s bed, suddenly boneless. Where was she going to graduate? What was she going to do about college? Would her parents even send her to a different school? What if they disowned her?

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It would be fine. Farah said it would be fine, and even if it wasn’t _good,_ they would be fine. They’d get jobs. They could do night courses. They could maybe even be together, stay together. She wasn’t stupid, she knew they were young and they’d only been together a month or so… but they could give it a shot. It would be hard, but if they fought the world back to back, maybe they could make it easier for each other.

“Are you ready?” asked Farah, tapping on her door. She had a huge backpack and a smaller duffle bag, and her eyes were a little red, too. Maybe it was Amanda’s turn to be the rock.

She stood and kissed Farah’s forehead, hands cupping her cheeks. “Yeah. Let’s face these bitches together.”

Farah smiled and helped Amanda tug her suitcase through the door and down the stairs. The low sun lit up the dorm buildings in red and orange, and Amanda swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. “Sorry,” she said, when Farah looked concerned. “I won’t miss the school, you know? But my friends…”

Farah nodded and linked their hands together, fingers lacing. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at the path. “If it wasn’t for me--”

“If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be looking,” Amanda said firmly, squeezing her hand. “I’d still be walking around feeling like I’m offset against reality. Instead, I get to know who I am, and I get you.”

Farah looked up at her from under her curled lashes, her eyes still sad. Amanda tugged her closer. “You’re worth it, you know. You’re worth all of this. I don’t regret a moment.”

Farah leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.

“You know,” Amanda grinned, holding their hands up between them. “This would be a great picture for your _Emerging_ project. The two of us emerging from the closet like this.”

Farah tilted her head back and laughed, and the way the sun caught her face made the breath catch in Amanda’s lungs. Yes, she was worth all of it.

9 - We’re here, we’re queer

They were expecting to stand in silence in the parking lot, waiting for their parents while Principal Riggins either ignored them or proselytised at them. What they got instead was a riot.

Farah stopped dead as they rounded the corner, her jaw dropping open. Amanda turned to follow her gaze, and her suitcase thumped down onto the path. “What the fuck?”

A crowd of students, and even some teachers, filled a wide section of the parking lot. Riggins and Priest were yelling, trying to order them away, but even as they got closer Amanda couldn’t hear their voices over the noise.

There were the Rowdies, Tina, Bart Curlish and for some reason that Ken kid from the year below Amanda. She recognised the Trost siblings, the Dengdamor brothers, and even Mona, who should have been at home on a weekend. She didn’t recognise half of the students gathered there, and the chanting was starting to get louder, starting to attract more people. It wasn’t until they got closer that Amanda could make out the words they were chanting. “We’re here, we’re queer,” over and over again.

“What the hell?” she breathed.

Tina caught sight of her and whooped and pointed. The Rowdies started stamping their feet along with the beat of their chant and the other students joined, the sound rising like a thunderstorm. She could see people at the fringes of the growing group whispering to each other, passing on the message, why they were there. Some people frowned and backed away, standing with their arms crossed and just watching, but many more joined. Amanda saw Dirk Gently wander up, blinking at them all in confusion.

Tina moved forwards, standing out in front, facing towards the teachers but looking past them even as they tried to hustle her back, or away, or _something_. The Rowdies brought the chant down, just stamping, a chorus underpinning her loud voice. Amanda felt goosebumps pop up on her arms before Tina’d even had a chance to speak.

Tina spread her arms and looked around like she was some kind of Shakespearean orator. “Y’all know Amanda and Farah, right? They’re being kicked out for being queer.”

The students muttered, a sussurus of sound weaving behind and around Amanda, and she narrowed her eyes at her friend, because was this supposed to be helping?

“Well,” Tina continued, turning back to Riggins and looking at him for the first time. “You’re gonna have to kick me out too. I’m bi.”

“I’m bi too,” yelled Martin.

“I’m asexual,” Gripps yelled.

“Me too,” said Mona cheerfully. “Or something, I don’t know, really.”

“I’m something too,” called Bart, shrugging.

“We’re gay,” yelled Silas and Panto, holding up their hands, linked just like Amanda and Farah’s.

Vogel stepped forwards, standing next to Tina. “I’m transgender,” he yelled, his voice thready with panic. “There you go, Mr Priest, what’re you gonna blackmail me with now, huh? Everyone knows now. Fuck you!”

Tina put her arm around Vogel and glared at Priest. The Rowdies and Mona whistled and cheered.

Then the most unlikely person stepped out from the middle of the group, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side. Todd glanced at Amanda, his eyes wide in terror, but he turned to face Dirk instead. “I’m bi,” he yelled. “I’m bi and… and I’m in love. With Dirk Gently.”

Dirk’s jaw dropped almost as far as Amanda’s. “You… you are?”

Todd nodded, shifting from foot to foot. He was pale and sweating, and if he didn’t have his jaw clenched in pure stubbornness Amanda thought he might have fainted dead away. “I’m sorry,” he called. “I’m so sorry… I was a coward, and I thought…” he looked down at his feet. “I don’t deserve you, I’m so--”

Dirk crossed the space between them, brushing past Riggins to scoop Todd’s face up in both hands and kiss him right there in front of the entire school. Todd’s arms came up, his hands clenching in Dirk’s jacket, pulling him closer. 

The crowd whooped and cheered, and Silas and Panto kissed as well, followed by other couples. Amanda laughed, shocked and thrilled and so fucking frustrated that she hadn’t seen all this before, that she’d thought she was so alone. She clapped and cheered, and kissed Farah when she was pulled close.

“Well, I’m pretty sure I’m straight,” yelled Mr Friedkin, standing at the back of the group with something slightly more than his usual dumb expression. “But hell, I’ll kiss Mr Assistent just to make a point, or something.”

Mr Assistent, standing quietly off to the side, gaped at him. Amanda noticed he didn’t seem too horrified by the idea.

“What’cha gonna do now, Principal Riggins?” crowed Tina, her arms now looped around Vogel and Mona. “Awful lot of queer students you’ve got. You gonna kick all of us out? Call all our parents? Get some nice straight aryan type kids to replace us? Where you gonna find them?”

“We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it,” chanted the crowd again. Riggins looked like he was going to combust, and Priest had lost his evil smile.

And then the cruiser pulled up, and out stepped Sheriff Hobbs. Tina squealed and ran over to him, giving him a high five. “Hey, Sherlock! What’s the what? You wanna join our Pride parade?”

Sheriff Hobbs patted Tina’s shoulder with a fond smile. “In a bit, kiddo.” He looked up, eyes scanning the group, seemingly unperturbed by the tableau they must have made. “Osmund Priest?”

“What?” he snapped, tearing his death glare away from Vogel.

“I have here a warrant for your arrest, sir,” he said, in the same tone of voice he’d use asking for directions on vacation. 

“What?” Priest turned to Riggins, then back. “What for?”

“Sexual assault of a minor,” said Hobbs, and a vein of steel entered his voice. 

The entire crowd exploded. Priest railed, his eyes wide and for once, showing a hint of fear. Riggins walked closer, trying to hush Priest and Hobbs. Not that anyone could hear what they were saying over the roar. Farah and Amanda stared at each other, shocked.

“We got video,” said Tina in a low voice, sidling up to Amanda. “He’s been bothering Vogel for ages, you know?”

Amanda nodded. Mona and the Rowdies walked up to watch Priest yelling at Hobbs. “How come you guys didn’t tell anyone before?” Amanda asked.

“How come you didn’t tell everyone you’re gay?” Martin snapped.

“Good point.”

“Also they didn’t have any evidence,” Mona said. “Hold out your hand, Farah.” She tied a friendship bracelet around Farah’s wrist as she spoke. “I got a little spy camera. A nanny cam thing, you know? I lent it to Vogel.”

“Why have you got a nanny cam?” Amanda asked as Farah stuttered her thanks for the bracelet.

Mona just shrugged. “Dunno.”

“Anyway, that’s what we’ve been doing the last couple of weeks. We had to catch him in the act,” Tina said.

Vogel crossed his hands over his chest. “He pulled my shirt off yesterday,” he said, looking sick. “He’s never… never crossed that line before.”

Cross held out an arm and Vogel snuggled under it, letting out a long, shaky breath.

Todd and Dirk came up to them, Dirk clutching one of Todd’s hands between two of his own. Todd stood in front of Amanda and bit his lip.

“You could’ve told me,” Amanda said softly.

“You could’ve told _me.”_

“I tried,” she said. “In the car on the way home that weekend.”

He gaped at her. “I thought you were talking about me and Dirk. I thought you’d seen us together or something. I thought--” He groaned and covered his face with his free hand. “Fuck.”

Amanda smirked, then stepped forward and hugged him tight. “You’re such an idiot,” she whispered. “I can’t believe you thought I’d be a bitch about this? Even if I was straight, I’d support you whatever, you _know_ that.”

He hugged her tight around her back. “I didn’t want to disappoint you,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “You… It matters what you think.”

She sniffed and wiped a rogue tear away, smiling into the hug. “You’re my big brother.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Asshole,” she grinned, pulling back and taking Farah’s hand again.

Todd smiled and held up his middle finger.

“Ah, sibling love,” said Tina, and draped her arm around Mona’s shoulder.

“What’s going to happen, do you think?” Farah said, looking over towards the adults, where Friedkin and Assistent were now getting involved, trying to calm Priest down and convince him to get into the car without Hobbs having to cuff him.

Tina shrugged. “Hobbs’ll get him on the floor if he tries anything. He looks like a teddy bear but he’s a total badass.”

“I meant… more long term,” Farah said. “Our parents are still on their way. We’ve all outed ourselves to a homophobic institution. We’re still kids.”

Todd looked up at Dirk and they shared some sort of non-verbal conversation. Amanda watched them and wondered how she could have ever missed that they were totally gone for each other. She tightened her fingers around Farah’s instead. “Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.”

Tina cheered. The Rowdies started chanting again, and the words were taken up by the crowd once more. Amanda smiled around at everyone, her heart soaring, and felt like she could take on the world.

**Author's Note:**

> DETAILED TRIGGER NOTES:  
> Priest has an inkling that Vogel is transgender and is a general shit to him about it. Amanda (the whole fic is in her POV) doesn't know this, she just thinks Priest is being an arsehole. Priest is shown trapping Vogel against the wall and saying he needs to prove he can use the boys' locker rooms, and Priest is later arrested for pulling Vogel's shirt off. Please let me know if you need any extra tags attached here!


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